The following is an excerpt from, “Throw off Pornography”, the 4th book in the “Lord of My Life” series. You can download the complete book for free through Amazon Kindle, Apple Books or Barnes & Noble. You can also order the paperback version through the Amazon bookstore. Find direct links for all of these at ktfproductions.com under the store tab. Visit every week and receive weekly excerpts January through April of 2024.
FORM NEW HABITS
Experts will say that you can’t break an addiction like pornography without leaving a void in your life that will need to be filled by something else. Simply abstaining from a bad habit, or an addiction alone, main not be sustainable. If you don’t have a plan to replace that time and that mental and emotional energy with something else, your chances for success will go way down. In fact, you may adopt other habits to fill the void without knowing it. They may be constructive, or they may be destructive. What will you use to fill the void? Will you choose to exchange one destructive behavior for another? I hope not. But if not, is it possible to refocus your mind so that you’re not thinking about, and struggling with, the addictive draw of pornography all the time? Finding something to replace the draw of pornography can certainly make the effort less difficult. At a minimum, it can serve as a distraction, but at best, it can improve your character. That is where believers in Christ have an advantage. Trying to abstain from pornography and masturbation provides the perfect window to double down on your relationship with God. Each day you avoid sinning with pornography is a day you should feel clean enough and free enough to approach the Father without shame. So, take advantage of it. Cognitively, we know that we can approach the Father at any time. But when we are wallowing in sin, we likely won’t come to him. However, when we are trying to repent, when we are trying to turn away from sin, in that moment, our hands are clean. So, we should use that time to press into God and stop running away from him. Not only will this help to fill the void, it was essential to my success. You may or may not choose to adopt all the habits that I incorporated during my journey, but I encourage you to implement as many as you can even if you have to modify them by increasing or decreasing their intensity. Here are some of the practices I doubled down on:
Daily prayer
Before taking the 90 Day Challenge I hadn’t formed a consistent prayer life. Sure, I might pray in my car on the way to work or offer quick prayers before an important meeting or before taking on a new project. And there were occasions when I’d buckle down for moments of intense prayer as circumstances required, or I’d carve out time Sunday mornings when I’d pray as part of the prayer team. But I rarely scheduled times of prayer. I didn’t make it a consistent practice in my life. But when I began the 90 Day Challenge, I started a habit of daily, focused prayer. I prayed every morning for about 10-30 minutes. I’d pray about many things, but I’d always make sure to pray for the Holy Spirit to help me in my efforts to overcome my porn addiction. Besides that, there were two specific portions of scripture I prayed every day and I encourage you to pray these as well. They are short popular verses, so if you haven’t memorized them, I’d encourage you to do that now. The first comes from Ephesians, chapter 6, verse 11, which says:
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.
So, every morning, I’d pray that God would help me to “put on the full armor of God so that I can take my stand against the devil’s schemes.” Why this prayer? When Paul talks about the armor of God, we learn that it is made up of several parts, each with a specific purpose to help us stand against the lies and temptations of the devil. It continues in Ephesians, chapter 6, verses 12-17:
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
The armor of God protects us, defends us, and helps us strike back against the devil. It helps us to be able to stand our ground when we are tempted. We can do this by accessing every piece of armor that God has provided us: truth, righteousness, readiness, faith, salvation, and the Word of God. I don’t necessarily reflect on each part of the armor when I pray, but I do recognize the power of putting on the armor of God at the beginning of my day, every day. I imagine myself putting on each part of the armor so that I can protect myself from temptation. And I believe that when I pray this prayer, the Holy Spirit engages with me for my protection. It is almost like putting on a seatbelt when you enter a car. Some days, you may not need it. But when you do, you are certainly glad you have it on. So, I encourage you to include this verse within your prayer life. Don’t just say the words, imagine donning the armor as you say the words, “Father help me to put on the full armor of God so that I can take my stand against the devil’s schemes.”
The second verse I pray is from Luke, chapter 9, verse 23 when Jesus said:
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”
I find it helpful to remind myself that the battle for freedom from pornography requires a daily walk with Jesus. Remember when I said that we should take each day at a time when going through the 90 Day Challenge? That we shouldn’t worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself? Jesus also said that we should take up our cross daily and follow him. So, if we are called to take up our cross today, it doesn’t automatically carry over to tomorrow. Therefore, I pray every day, “Lord help me to take up my cross today and follow you.” What does “taking up our cross daily” look like? In this context, I believe it boils down to purposing in our heart that we will actively focus our thoughts, our motives, and our actions on him for this day. It means that we will attempt to love him with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength today. After I pray that simple verse, I continue with whatever additional daily focus I want to have on him. I might say, “help me to stay away from porn today, help me to hear from the Holy Spirit today, help me to remember the truths of your word today”, and so forth. Focus on today. Concentrate on today. Don’t worry about tomorrow. With the help of the Holy Spirit, conquer today. If you are able to do that, each night when you lay your head on your pillow, you’ll be able to reflect on that day, just the last 16 hours or so, and rejoice at your victory. Most anyone can stay away from porn for 16 hours. If we take each day at a time, and no more, success is not only likely, it is inevitable.
One final thing about daily prayer. Don’t feel that you have to limit yourself to one prayer time a day. You can continue praying throughout your day. In fact, 1 Thessalonians, chapter 5, verse 17 encourages us to:
Pray continually,
So, continue to pray in your car, before you attempt something, or whenever the mood or need arises. Pray formally and informally, aloud or to yourself, for minutes or moments. But keep praying. Pray about anything and everything. Cultivate your relationship with God by praying continually which should include praying beyond your focused prayer time. Prayer will help you fill your time with godly habits and will strengthen your relationship with the Lord in the process.
Daily Bible reading
I always say, “two chapters a day keeps the devil away.” Fortunately for me, daily Bible reading wasn’t a new habit I needed to adopt. For some time, my wife and I have endeavored to read two chapters together every weekday. I typically read out loud and she follows along. I’ve heard, and I also believe, that hearing and reading at the same time helps with retention. Besides that, we use it as a spiritual growth and relationship building opportunity. We may miss a couple of days here and there, but we consciously make an effort to maintain this habit. Through it, the Holy Spirit can continually wash my mind with the Word of God. Whether it is a particularly boring part of the Bible, or an exciting story doesn’t matter. The more of him we put into our heart, the less space there is for sin. And in those moments, God can use the Bible to teach us, rebuke us, correct us or train us. As it says in 2 Timothy, chapter 3, verse 16:
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,
So, if we allow the Holy Spirit to join us when we read, it can be a powerful time of understanding. He can seed certain scripture into our heart so that during times of tempting, he can bring them back to our mind as a source of defense, or even offense, against the devil. There are days when I read the Bible and am merely reminded of what it says and other times when God uses it to help me course correct in some way. But none of that can happen without reading his Word. Of course, as with prayer, there are no rules. You can always read more than two chapter at a time. You can even read multiple times a day. I sometimes listen to the Bible in my car via audiobook. Whatever the case, I encourage you to get into the habit of reading the Bible. You may have to consciously block out time to read. But it is a strong Christian virtue that will help in your abstinence journey as well as other aspects of your Christian walk. Allow God to use it to teach you, to rebuke you, to correct you and to train you in righteous living.
Personal Bible Study
Studying the Bible is different than simply reading it. Before the 90 Day Challenge, I would go through spirts of personal Bible study. But when I began the journey toward recovery, I decided to study the Bible at least once a week. Personal Bible study requires a more focused examination of the Bible. For me, it also involves note taking, deep reflection and exploring commentaries that explain other facets of scripture. It is during these times that God seems to teach me the most. Hebrews, chapter 4, verse 12 reminds us:
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
That is how I feel about Bible study. It is as if God is using his Word to penetrate deep into my heart. It is like God is tutoring me in the way. For me, it is during these times that God can really do a work in me. It is amazing how many times I'd sit down to study the Bible only to find that what I’m studying is directly applicable to what I’m dealing with in life at the time. Studying the Bible allows me to deeply absorb the scripture. The majority of my Bible study centers around the gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I focus on these books most often because this is where I can study the actual words of Jesus. If you’ve never attempted personal Bible study before, I have some tips.
1. Block out at least 20-40 minutes of uninterrupted time.
2. Find a quiet place where you will be alone and free from distraction.
3. Pray to God. Let him know that you are ready to hear from him. Ask him to reveal his Word to you during this session, to make it come alive in a way that only the Holy Spirit can. Invite his presence to fill the room with you and relax your mind. I encourage you not to rush this moment. Allow him to set the atmosphere. Listen with your heart.
4. Pick a small portion of the Bible to focus on, typically 1-5 verses, but it could be a little longer if it requires more verses to complete the thought. Read it slowly 3 times. The first time for context, the second time for deeper meaning, and the third time asking the Holy Spirit to reveal anything he would like you to hear.
5. When applicable, read commentaries from other Bible scholars about the portion of scripture you are studying for deeper context or cultural understanding.
6. Write down your thoughts as you read. Pour out what the Lord is showing you. Copy, arrange and outline your text as necessary. Re-read what you’ve written to see if the Spirit agrees or confirms your thoughts.
7. Now stop and spend some time in quiet thought. Meditate on what you’ve learned. Think of ways to apply what you’ve learned in your life right away.
8. End with prayer, including much of the themes found within the Lord’s prayer: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication. (i.e., supplication is asking the Lord for what you need).
Note: steps 4, 5 and 6 are done in tandem.
There is no specific amount of time we should spend in personal Bible study. I just encourage you not to rush it. That is why it is important to carve out time for Bible study. God can really use this practice to advance your faith, educate you about his character and his heart, teach you something new, or speak to you directly. Making Bible study a habit is a great way for the Holy Spirit to rewire your brain in a way that aligns with who he is.
Fasting
Before the 90 Day Challenge I would only fast when I needed God’s attention on something fairly major. I’d fast if I needed an answer to an important question, if I needed discernment on a new direction in life, or if I needed him to move on my behalf in a major way. Sometimes I’d fast a single meal, and other times I’d fast for days. To me, there is only one way to fast and that is with food. It is biblical, and I believe this is what God had in mind when he instituted the practice. Sure, there are benefits to abstaining from sweets, video games, phone usage or TV for a period of time, but to me, that isn’t fasting. In the Bible, from what I can tell, all mentions of fasting refer only to abstaining from food. Even our morning meal, “breakfast”, is in reference to breaking our fast (i.e., “break-fast”). That said, unless it is medically inadvisable to fast with food, I encourage you to fast biblically.
During the 90 Day Challenge I chose to fast one day a month. For me it was an entire day fast - 24 hours. I don’t believe all of our fasting efforts need to be tied to a move of God. Sometimes we can fast out of obedience. We can fast in order to grow closer to God. We can fast in an effort to spiritually empty out of ourselves what shouldn’t be there so that the Spirit can fill it with something that should be. Fasting is a spiritual experience. When Christians fast, it isn’t only about not eating. During the fast, every hunger pang reminds us of the purpose for our fast. It is a focused time of connection with our God. A primary reason Jesus fasted for 40 days in the desert, I believe, was so that he could be filled with the miraculous power of the Spirit. Yes, he modeled fasting for us, and yes, he pleased the Father in doing so, but I believe it was more than that. Fasting can be a powerful time of submission. It is a difficult habit to practice, but one that will draw us closer to God. Fasting, like giving, is a private practice that is only between you and God. As Jesus said in Matthew, chapter 6, verses 16-18:
“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”
The concept of fasting is simple, denying ourselves food, and drinking only water for a time for the sake of our faith. I encourage you to adopt the practice of fasting. It is a powerful discipline and even more necessary when we want the Holy Spirit to free us from an addiction.
So, there you have it, a few new habits to form, or to double down on, during the 90 Day Challenge: Daily prayer, daily Bible reading, personal Bible study, and fasting. With the help of the Holy Spirit, these habits can fill the void left by abstaining from pornography and masturbation. During your time of refinement, I encourage you to not only abstain from doing what is wrong and sinful, but to double down on doing what is right and holy. Other things you can incorporate into your new way of life is to read Christian books, watch Christian videos, or listen to Christian music or podcasts. Anything that glorifies Jesus or points the way to him will be another tool the Holy Spirit can use to wash your brain and help realign your thinking through habits that are in step with him.
To that end I have one final tip regarding the formation of new habits. I highly suggest that you consider downloading a habit tracking app to your smartphone. This will help motivate you and keep you on track with your goals. I use “streaks”. Steaks is a very inexpensive simple app that will help you keep track of your patterns. In my Streaks app, I track 5 things:
• Bible Reading
• Focused Prayer
• Bible Study
• Fasting
• 90 Day Challenge
I hope these items sound familiar! In the Streaks app, you can choose how frequently you want to compete each habit, and when accomplished, you can click on the habit, and it calculates the number of instances you’ve completed it to date. So, I’ve told the app that I’d like to accomplish “Bible Reading” once every weekday, “Focused Prayer” once a day, “Bible Study” once a week, “Fasting” once a month and “90 Day Challenge” once a day. Every day, I click on the items I’ve completed for that day. Again, this helps keep track of your progress. It is also very encouraging to see that completion number go up every day. If you choose, you can accomplish habits more frequently than planned. So, even though I told the app that I plan to study the Bible once a week, I can still log multiple times in a single week if I felt so inspired. By consistently logging your progress, then later referring to the app, you can quickly remind yourself of how many days you’ve completed a given habit. If you have an accountability partner during your 90 Day Challenge, when they ask you how you are doing, you can simply whip out your smartphone with the app and smile at the number of completions displayed. You can even continue using the app after the 90 days to remind yourself of how many days you’ve been “clean”. It is a simple but powerful app that encourages you to stay on track and rewards you with an indicator that highlights your progress. However, the downside is that if you miss a target, you start back at zero which adds to the incentive to stay consistent.