The following is an excerpt from, “Throw off Pornography”, the 4th book in the “Lord of My Life” series. You can download the complete book for free through Amazon Kindle, Apple Books or Barnes & Noble. You can also order the paperback version through the Amazon bookstore. Find direct links for all of these at ktfproductions.com under the store tab. Visit every week and receive weekly excerpts January through April of 2024.
THE HARD DAYS
Abstaining from a deep seeded addiction like pornography and masturbation is difficult no matter who you are. Some days will be incredibly easy, some days will be excruciatingly difficult, and other days will be somewhere in between. But when the hard days come, and they will come, I suggest implementing a few techniques that may help you soldier through. Yes, the Holy Spirit is the gas that keeps us moving forward, but sometimes it may be helpful to prime the tank so he can flow more efficiently. Sometimes, it helps to have a practical weapon that the Holy Spirit can use. For us, maybe a simple tool might be enough for the Holy Spirit to turn potential failure into victory.
First tool: Focus on the goal
When things get difficult, it may help to reflect on all the reasons why you want to succeed - why you need to succeed. You might decide to write out a list of benefits of what life might look like when you are free. Then, when difficulty arises, you can refer back to the list as a reminder of why you’ve decided to take on this struggle. You might also tape a picture of your family to the side of your computer. Then, when temptation comes, you can look at the picture to remind yourself of why you absolutely must succeed. What has helped remind me is the song, “This is Your Life” by Switchfoot. I originally downloaded it after hearing it as part of the soundtrack for the television series, “The 4400” (the old version, not the new one). It was used during a montage segment and really brought the sequence to life. I liked it, so I searched for it in the app store and bought it. I was pleasantly surprised to learn it was by Switchfoot, a Christian band that often appeared in the television series, “Christian Music Videos,” that I used to produce. Anyway, the chorus of this song became my mantra during my struggles, and it helped remind me of the end game. In it, it says, “this is your life, are you who you want to be?” It inspired me to examine my life from a bird’s eye view. I asked myself, who do I want to be? What version of me do I want to live out? I envisioned my future self free from pornography and what that might look like. I began to think of how it would feel to prefer obedience to God. What would my Christian walk be like free from the hinderances and entanglements of habitual sin? It was a glorious thought that helped me refocus when even a hint of temptation would come. I encourage you to find out what might work for you. Adopt any of these examples or find your own “happy place” that will help you to refocus. It may just be enough to get you through one of your difficult moments.
Unfortunately, and fortunately, we have free will. We can influence our future by obeying God or by disobeying him. If you are a believer, I’m sure you would prefer God’s will over your own. Ultimately, his plan for us is always better than ours. If we walk in obedience to him, we are walking within his plan. And his will, or plan, for us is to be free. The Bible says in Jeremiah, chapter 29, verse 11:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Do you believe that today? Just like a good earthly father wants what is best for their children, our Heavenly Father wants what is best for us. His plans for us are to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future. God is invested in your future. If you walk in obedience to him, it is a lot easier for him to use you. It is a lot easier for him to flow through you. If you want the future that God has for you, I encourage you to imagine that future as a tool to battle temptation.
Second tool: Anticipate choke points
I noticed during my 90 day journey that there were at least 3 distinct “choke points” where temptation was at its highest. For me the first choke point was during the first 14 days of the challenge. The second was somewhere around the midpoint. And the last was near the end, around the 80 day mark. If we are able to understand and anticipate times when the fight might become more difficult in our journey, we may be able to prepare for them. After all, “Forewarned is forearmed”.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that during the first 14 days of the attempt was when I was the most vulnerable. It was the time I was most likely to fail. That was probably why I had to reset the 90-day clock so many times. The reason for this was partially because I knew that during the first 14 days, that if I failed, I hadn’t yet invested enough time for my failure to matter much. Sure, abstaining for even a week was a herculean effort, but if I were going to fail, I convinced myself that failing early would take the sting out of the fall. I guess I could compare it to climbing a mountain. Emotionally speaking, if I’m only a few feet off the ground when I fall, I’ll live. I’ll emotionally bounce back. But if I’m halfway up the mountain and fall, what an incredible blow that would be! So, if you’re anything like me, it may take a few weeks of traction before you feel invested enough that failure is less of an option. It was also quite obvious that during the first 14 days was when I was tempted most severely. It is when Satan was most effective in getting me to fall. Every day, and sometimes hour by hour, I had to fight the temptation, almost as if I were suffering from withdrawal. But everyone has a “point of no return”; a line that when crossed, it is more appealing to keep going forward than to turn back. For me, it was certainly sometime after those first 14 days. So, if you’re just starting this challenge, I encourage you to put on your seatbelt. Your first 2 or 3 weeks will be a battle! Pull out every trick you have to get through it. Press into God. Pray like you’ve never prayed before. Fast. Study the Bible. Listen, watch, or read Christian material. Distance yourself from the trappings of temptation by avoiding compromising situations or scenarios. If you get through the first 14 days, I can’t promise it’ll be smooth sailing, but at least you’ll be over the first hump.
The second choke point for me was somewhere around the midpoint of the challenge. About then, I became more and more proud and self-confident. I was prone to frequently letting my guard down. Things that I once fought tooth and nail to stay away from somehow seemed less dangerous. So, Satan began to see and test the cracks in my armor. Also, I began to remember what it was like to indulge in pornography. I’d allow myself to believe that I could safely dabble with sinful thoughts and resurrect pornographic images because I’d convinced myself that I could easily fight them off if they started to affect me. Nowhere within the 90 Day Challenge is a good day to let your foot off the gas. And becoming self-confident and proud of your accomplishment is a perfect recipe for disaster. If Satan sees a weakness, he will exploit it. If you let down your guard, if you forget to put on the armor of God every day, he may employ some of his tricks to get you to fall. By now you should know what he might use to manipulate you. Last time, at around the midpoint, I began to notice an unusual number of young, beautiful, suggestively dressed women around me all of the time. At work, in my neighborhood, on TV and even at church! I had to remind myself not to let my guard down. For me, lust is a trigger. I’m sure it is with most addicts. Since I know that, I can guard against it. If your journey is like mine, you may have to find ways to douse yourself with a cold glass of respect for the enemy during these times. Midpoint can be a bear, especially if we aren’t ready for it. You don’t want to be halfway up the mountain and fall!
In my experience, the third choke point comes near, or even after, the end of the challenge. Does this surprise you? It surprised me! After all the work and effort I put in; after all the days, weeks and months of struggle and victory clicking my streaks app and seeing the number of completions go up and up only to fail near the finish line is unthinkable right? But is it? At, or near, 90 days, we may become fearful, thinking that once we’ve accomplished our goal, we’ll never feel the satiation that comes from porn use ever again. We may begin to wonder if success is all it is cracked up to be. We may not want to succeed as we reflect on what life was like with porn. Or, we might still feel the draw of porn and have convinced ourselves that once we crossed that 90 day point all temptation should’ve magically disappeared. And if that doesn’t happen, we might be tempted to throw in the towel. I mean, if we aren’t completely free at this point then how much longer?! 90 days isn’t a magic number. We are all different. For some of us, the fight was over at day 40. For some of us, it’ll continue through day 200. Don’t convince yourself that all will be right with the world on day 90. It might not be. That kind of thinking breeds defeat. It might lead you to forget what you’ve been fighting for this entire time. Nearing the finish line makes us reevaluation our efforts. You may find yourself at a crossroads. Continue or give up. Don’t let the 90 day end date be a stumbling block for you. If you fail at day 90 YOU WILL REGRET IT. Because if you fail, you will have set a benchmark that will be very difficult to attain again. In your failure, you’ll be immediately reminded of what it felt like to experience that thin slice of freedom you felt at 90 days of abstinence and now you’re mired in the vomit of pornography, shackled yet again. If near, or after, 90 days you still feel the draw, hang on longer. Know that you are probably experiencing your best chance for freedom at that very moment. DON’T THROW IT AWAY!
I once failed on day 80. Day 80! At the time I wasn’t doing the 90 Day Challenge. In fact, I didn’t know it existed. If I did, I probably could’ve soldiered through another 10 days. But even if I did, it is very possible that I still would’ve found myself in the exact same place even after crossing the finish line. What happened was, I let myself remember what it felt like to feel the satiation of pornography. I convinced myself that I’d done enough, that 80 days was an admirable landmark and that I should reward myself with just a taste of pornography. I thought, “just one taste then I’ll put it away again and it’ll be like it ever happened.” I’d fallen right into the devil’s trap. I should’ve known that there is no such thing as “just a taste.” One taste immediately swung the door back open to a full-on addiction. It wasn’t gradual. One taste turned into failing three times in one day! Partially because of the shame and the realization of what I had sacrificed. Just like that I was back to “eating my vomit”. In one fell swoop, I’d erased 80 days of abstinence. My streaks app lapsed to zero and I was back to square one. I don’t know what was worse, the shame of being addicted again, failing after investing 80 days towards freedom, or knowing that if I’d ever make another run at it, all I’d be thinking about was how I’d have to fight for almost 3 full months before I’m back to where I once was. What I thought would be a taste turned into a nightmare.
If I think about it, I can compare these three choke points to, say, a knee injury. Imagine falling on pavement and scraping your knee. The first few days of pain are the hardest. The pain is all you can think about. Each movement or brush against the fabric reminds you of the injury. But like the second stage, after some time, the wound will scab over. The pain isn’t as insistent. You may still feel it a bit and might be tempted to pick at the scab, but you know that if you leave it alone you will heal much quicker. Then the third stage. The wound is nearly healed. In fact, you can’t even feel the pain anymore. But, behind the scenes, almost without your knowledge, the healing continues underneath the skin until your knee fully functions the way it was originally intended. Likewise, during the first choke point of the 90 Day Challenge, all you can think about is the pain of “detox”. The temptation is excruciating. Like the scuffed knee, pornography is constantly on your mind. Then, at the second choke point you are tempted to pick at your temptation, as if playing with the scab isn’t counterproductive. Finally, at the third choke point, you may be lulled into the belief that there is no longer any injury, when in fact there is still healing happening behind the scenes. It’s not time to claim victory until it, or your addiction, is fully healed.